ANECDOTES AND ILLUSTRATIONS

  Not Dead, Anyhow. — At the time when General Burnside's force was besieged in Knoxville, Tenn., with an apparent danger of being starved into surrender, a telegram came one day to the President from Cumberland Gap announcing that firing was heard in the direction of Knoxville. "Glad of it!" exclaimed Mr. Lincoln "Why should you be glad of it?" asked a friend who was present, in some surprise. "Why, you see," he explained, "it reminds me of Mrs. Sallie Ward, a neighbor of mine. She had a very large family. Occasionally one of her numerous progeny would be heard crying in some out-of-the-way place and she would exclaim, 'There's one of my children that isn't dead yet!'"

  Nobility no Obstacle. — A young European receiving his lieutenant's commission, assured Mr. Lincoln that he belonged to the oldest nobility of his own country. "Never mind that," said the President; "it will not be an obstacle to your advancement."

  The Presidential Chin-Fly. — Shortly before his second nomination, Lincoln, hearing a member of his cabinet mentioned as a probable competitor for the Presidency, told the following story: "My brother and I were once plowing on an Illinois farm. I was driving the horse and he was holding the plow. The horse was lazy, but on one occasion he rushed across the field so that I with my long legs could scarcely keep up with him. On reaching the end of the furrow, I found an enormous chin-fly fastened on him and knocked it off. My brother asked me what I did that for. I told him I didn't want the old horse bitten in that way. 'Why,' said my brother, 'that's all that made him go!' Now, if Mr. —— has a Presidential chin-fly biting him, I'm not going to knock it off, if it will only make his department go!"

  Got a Good Rating. — Several years before Mr. Lincoln received his nomination for the Presidency he received a letter of inquiry from the East concerning the financial standing of a gentleman in his own town, and his reply was. "Dear Sir: I know Mr. X— and his standing. He has a wife and baby that I think a fair valuation of might be fifty thousand dollars. There is a table in his office that I believe to be worth a dollar and a half, and there are three chairs worth about a dollar, and there is a rat-hole in the corner that will bear looking into." — John H. Boyd.

  An English Story. — It will be remembered that Virginia was one of the last States to secede, and did not do so until she had exhausted every effort to effect a compromise; and when she did so, the few Southern States that were still hesitating followed her example, and war became inevitable. Matters were coming to a crisis, when the leading men of Virginia sent a deputation of three of their number to wait on Mr. Lincoln. They tried to impress him with a sense of the gravity of the situation, and urgently entreated that he would do something to calm the excitement amongst the people, whose irritation at the threats of the Administration and of the Northern States, was getting beyond control. It was just after the taking of Fort Sumter and Lincoln's having called out seventy-five thousand men to coerce the South. "But what would you have me do?" said Mr. Lincoln. "Mr. President," replied one of the deputation, "I would beg you to lend me your finger and thumb for five minutes" — meaning of course, that he wished to write something that should allay the prevailing excitement. But Mr. Lincoln did not choose to understand him. "My finger and thumb!" he repeated; "My finger and thumb! What would you do with them? Blow your nose?" The deputation retired in disgust, and Virginia seceded!

  Grant's Brand. — When the removal of General Grant from his command was requested by a delegation who waited upon the President, he asked why Grant should be removed. "Because he drinks so much whiskey," was the reply. Lincoln's face was as expressive as his speech when he responded: "Ah! that's it. By the way, gentlemen, can you tell me where Grant gets his whiskey? I think I'd better send a barrel of that whiskey to every general in the field."

  Highly Accredited. — The clerical spokesman of a delegation that once called to give him advice, urged their views upon Lincoln with many quotations from the Scriptures. At last, the President put an end to this kind of argument by saying, "Well, gentlemen, it is not often that one is favored with a delegation direct from the Almighty!"

  Talking to a Jury. — Once during the argument in a lawsuit, in which Lincoln represented one party, the lawyer on the other side was a glib talker, but not reckoned as deeply profound or much of a thinker. He would say anything to a jury which happened to enter his head. Lincoln, in his address to the jury, referring to this, said: "My friend on the other side is all right, or would be all right, were it not for the peculiarity I am about to chronicle. His habit — of which you have witnessed a very painful specimen in his argument to you in this case — of reckless assertion and statements without grounds, need not be imputed to him as a moral fault, or as telling of a moral blemish. He can't help it. For reasons which, gentlemen of the jury, you and I have not the time to study here, as deplorable as they are surprising, the oratory of the gentleman completely suspends all action of his mind. The moment he begins to talk, his mental operations cease. I never knew of but one thing which compared with my friend in this particular. That was a small steamboat. Back in the days when I performed my part as a keel-boatman, I made the acquaintance of a trifling little steamboat which used to bustle and puff and wheeze about the Sangamon river. It had a five-foot boiler and seven-foot whistle, and every time it whistled it stopped."

  He Told the Secret. — When the Sherman Expedition — which captured Port Royal — went out, there was great curiosity to know where it had gone. One of a committee visiting President Lincoln at his official residence, importuned him to disclose the destination. "Will you keep it entirely secret?" asked the President. "Oh! yes, upon my honor." "Well," said the President, "I'll tell you." Assuming an air of great mystery, and drawing the man close to him, he kept him a moment awaiting the revelation with an open mouth, and in great anxiety, and then said, in a loud whisper which was heard all over the room, "The expedition has gone to — sea!"

  Eulogy. — Nearly all historical characters monsters distorted by flattery, or by calumny deformed. We know nothing of their peculiarities, or nothing but their peculiarities. To these great oaks there clings but little of the soil of humanity. Washington is now only a steel engraving. About the real man who loved, and lived, and hated, and schemed, and fought, we know but little, the glass through which we look at him is of such high magnifying power that the features have grown exceedingly indistinct. Hundreds of people are now engaged in smoothing out the lines of Lincoln's face — forcing all features to the common mold — so that he may be known, not as he really was, but as they think he should have been. Lincoln was not a type. He stands alone. He had no ancestors, he had no fellows, and he has no successors. — Robert G. Ingersoll.

  Dwarfs. — Once during the Civil War Barnum was at Washington, exhibiting General Tom Thumb and Admiral Nutt. Mr. Lincoln said: "You have some pretty small generals, but I think I can beat you."

  For the Benefit of the Enemy. — After Mr. Lincoln had sent the name of the Rev. Mr. Shrigley to the Senate for confirmation as hospital chaplain in the army, a self-constituted committee of the Young Men's Christian Association called on him to protest against the appointment. After Mr. Shrigley's name had been mentioned the President said: "Oh, yes, I have sent it to the Senate. His testimonials are highly satisfactory, and the appointment will no doubt be confirmed at an early day." The young men replied "But, sir, we have come not to ask for the appointment, but to solicit you to withdraw the nomination on the ground that Mr. Shrigley is not evangelical in his sentiments." "Ah!" said the President, "that alters the case. On what point of doctrine is the gentleman unsound?" "He does not believe in endless punishment," was the reply. "Yes," added another of the committee, "he believes that even the rebels themselves will finally be saved; and it will never do to have a man with such views hospital chaplain." The President hesitated to reply for a moment, and then responded with an emphasis they doubtless long remembered: "If that be so, gentlemen, and there be any way under heaven whereby the rebels can be saved, then let the man be appointed!"

  Lincoln's Practical Shrewdness. — After the death of Chief Justice Taney, and before the appointment of Mr. Chase in his stead, a committee of citizens from the Philadelphia Union League, with a distinguished journalist at their head as chairman, proceeded to Washington for the purpose of laying before the President the reason why, in their opinion, Mr. Chase should be appointed to the vacancy on the bench. They took with them a memorial addressed to the President, which was read by one of the committee. After listening to the memorial the President said to them, in a very deliberate manner: "Will you do me the favor to leave that paper with me. I want it in order that, if I appoint Mr. Chase, I may show the friends of the other persons for whom the office is solicited by how powerful an influence and by what strong recommendations the claims of Mr. Chase were supported." The committee listened with great satisfaction, and were about to depart, thinking that Mr. Chase was sure of the appointment, when they perceived that Mr. Lincoln had not finished what he intended to say. "And I want the paper, also," continued he, after a pause, "in order that, if I should appoint any other person I may show his friends how powerful an influence and what strong recommendations I was obliged to disregard in appointing him. The committee departed as wise as they came.

  Passes to Richmond. — A gentleman called on the President, and solicited a pass for Richmond. "Well," said the President, "I would be very happy to oblige you, if my passes were respected, but the fact is, sir, I have, within the last two years, given passes to two hundred and fifty thousand men to go to Richmond, and not one has got there yet."

  Had No "Pull." — A California gentleman, an earnest supporter of the Union, had vainly sought by the regular channels to obtain a pass through the lines to see a brother in Virginia, who was also a good Union man. Finally he obtained an interview with Mr. Lincoln and stated his case. "Have you applied to General Halleck?" inquired the President. "Yes, and met with a flat refusal." "Then you must see Stanton." "I have, and with the same result." "Well, then," said the President, "I can do nothing, for you must know, that I have very little influence with this administration.

  Pardon Refused. — President Lincoln, having been applied to to pardon a repentant slave-trader who had been sentenced to prison, answered the applicant: "My friend, if this man had been guilty of the worst murder that can be conceived of, I might, perhaps, have pardoned him. You know the weakness of my nature — always open to the appeals of repentance or of grief; and with such a touching letter and such recommendations, I could not resist. But any man who would go to Africa and snatch from a mother her children to sell them into interminable bondage, merely for the sake of pecuniary gain, shall never receive pardon from me."

  Duration of the War. — A personal friend said to him "Mr. President, do you really expect to end this war during your administration?" "Can't say, can't say, sir." "But, Mr. Lincoln, what do you mean to do?" "Peg away, sir, peg away; keep pegging away!"

  Lincoln's First Speeh. — Abraham Lincoln is said to have made his maiden speech at Richland, Sangamon County, Illinois, in 1832. He was then a Whig, and a candidate for the legislature. The speech was short and sensible. Lincoln was only twenty-three years of age, and timid. Secondly, his friends and opponents in the joint discussion had rolled the sun nearly down. Mr. Lincoln saw that it was not a proper time to discuss the questions fully, and that was why his re marks were so brief. The speech was as follows: "Gentlemen, Fellow Citizens: I presume you all know who I am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends to become a candidate for the legislature. My politics are short and sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favor of a national bank. I am in favor of the internal improvement system, and a high protective tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected, I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same."

  The President's Choice. — During a conversation in 1864 on the Presidential election, which was near at hand, a gentleman remarked to Mr. Lincoln that nothing could defeat him but Grant's capture of Richmond, followed by his nomination at Chicago and acceptance. "Well," said the President, "I feel very much like the man who said he didn't want to die particularly, but if he had got to die, that was precisely the disease he would like to die of."

  Bridge-Building. — "I once knew," said Mr. Lincoln, "a good, sound churchman whom we'll call Brown, who was on a committee to erect a bridge over a very dangerous and rapid river. Architect after architect failed, and at last Brown said he had a friend named Jones, who had built several bridges, and could build this. 'Let's have him in,' said the committee. In came Jones. 'Can you build this bridge?' 'Yes,' replied Jones; 'I could build a bridge to the infernal regions, if necessary.' The sober committee were horrified; but when Jones retired, Brown thought it but fair to defend his friend. 'I know Jones so well,' said he, 'and he is so honest a man and so good an architect, that, if he states soberly and positively that he can build a bridge to Hades — why, I believe it. But I have my doubts about the abutment on the infernal side.' So," Mr. Lincoln added, "when politicians said they could harmonize the Northern and Southern wings of the Democracy, why, I believed them. But I had my doubts about the abutment on the Southern side."

  Wouldn't Last Long. — A gentleman, about whose Teutonic origin there could be but one opinion, was passing along the street, when he came to a halt before one of the huge posters announcing the coming of the Panorama of Paradise Lost. He read this line, "A Rebellion in Heaven," when he broke forth as follows: "A rebellion in heaven: mein Gott! id lasts not long now — Onkel Abe ish tare."

  Crossing the Political Niagara. — Some gentlemen from the West were excited and troubled about the commissions or omissions of the administration. President Lincoln heard them patiently, and then replied "Gentlemen, suppose all the property you were worth was in gold, and you had put it in the hands of Blondin to carry across the Niagara River on a rope; would you shake the cable, or keep shouting out to him — 'Blondin, stand up a little straighter — Blondin, stoop a little more — go a little faster — lean a little more to the north — lean a little more to the south'? No, you would hold your breath as well as your tongue, and keep your hands off until he was safe over. The Government is carrying an immense weight. Untold treasures are in our hands. We are doing the very best we can. Don't badger us. Keep silence, and we'll get you safe across."

  His Re-Election. — The stories of President Lincoln grew better and better as he grew older. One of the best was told to a visitor who congratulated him on the almost certain purpose of the people to re-elect him. Mr. Lincoln replied that he had been told this frequently before, and that when it was first mentioned to him he was reminded of a farmer in Illinois who determined to try his own hand at blasting. After successfully boring and filling in with powder, he failed in his effort to make the powder go off; and after discussing with a looker-on the cause for this, and failing to detect anything wrong in the powder, the farmer suddenly came to the conclusion that it would not go off because it had been shot before."

  For Chestnut Venders. — "I remember a good story," said Lincoln, 'when I hear it, but I never invented anything original: I am only a retail dealer."

  Plain Words for "the Plain People." — An extra session of Congress was called in the July following Mr. Lincoln's firs, inauguration. In the message then sent in, speaking of secession, and the measures taken by the Southern leaders to bring it about, there occurs the following remark: "With rebellion thus sugar-coated, they have been drugging the public mind of their section for more than thirty years, until at length they have brought many good men to a willingness to take up arms against the Government," etc. It is said that when the message was being printed the Government printer was a good deal disturbed by the use of the term sugar-coated," and finally went to the President about it. Their relations being of the most intimate character, he told Mr. Lincoln frankly that he ought to remember that a message to Congress was a different affair from a speech at a mass-meeting in Illinois; that the message became a part of history, and should be written accordingly. "What is the matter now?" inquired the President. "Why," said the printer, "you have used an undignified expression in the message" — and then, reading the paragraph aloud, he added, "I would alter the structure of that, if I were you." "That word," replied Mr. Lincoln, "expresses precisely my idea, and I am not going to change it. The time will never come in this country when the people won't know exactly what sugar-coated means."

  A Question of Sides. — A clergyman remarked to President Lincoln "I hope the Lord is on our side." The President replied "I am not at all concerned about that, for I know the Lord is always on the side of the right. But it is my constant anxiety and prayer that I and this nation should be on the Lord's side.

  Advising an adviser. — A Western farmer sought President Lincoln day after day until he procured the much desired audience. He had a plan for the successful prosecution of the war, to which Mr. Lincoln listened as patiently as he could. When he was through, he asked the opinion of the President upon his plan. "Well," said Mr. Lincoln, "I'll answer by telling you a story. You have heard of Mr. Blank, of Chicago? He was an immense loafer in his way — in fact, never did anything in his life. One day he got crazy over a great rise in the price of wheat, upon which many wheat speculators gained large fortunes. Blank started off one morning to one of the most successful of the wheat speculators, and with much enthusiasm laid before him a plan by which he (the said Blank) was certain of becoming independently rich. When he had finished, he asked the opinion of his hearer upon his plan of operations. The reply came as follows: 'My advice is that you stick to your business.' 'But,' asked Blank, 'what is my business?' 'I don't know, I am sure, what it is,' says the merchant; 'but whatever it is, I advise you to stick to it.' And now," said Mr. Lincoln, "I mean nothing offensive, for I know you mean well, but I think you had better stick to your business, and leave the war to those who have the responsibility of managing it."

  Knew Him Well. — A teacher in a Brooklyn school recently asked her pupils each to draw a likeness of Abraham Lincoln. One boy, struggling with the task, and very doubtful about the result, wrote under his work the legend, "A friend of Lincoln's father."

  Undistributed Patronage. — One of the best morsels of wit ever uttered by President Lincoln was when he had the smallpox in the mild form of varioloid. It was the smallpox all the same, and no one dared to come near the White House. The weary man enjoyed the respite wonderfully, although he said: "Is it not too bad that now, while I have something to give to everybody, no one comes near me!"

  A Great Relief. — An officer under the Government called at the Executive Mansion, accompanied by a clerical friend. "Mr. President," said he, "allow me to present to you my friend, the Rev. M. F——, of ——. Mr. F—— has expressed a desire to see you, and have some conversation with you, and I am happy to be the means of introducing him." The President shook hands with Mr. F——, and desiring him to be seated, took a seat himself. Then — his countenance having assumed an expression of patient waiting — he said, "I am now ready to hear what you have to say." "Oh, bless you, sir," said Mr. F——, "I have nothing special to say. I merely called to pay my respects to you and, as one of the million, to assure you of my hearty sympathy and support." "My dear sir," said the President, rising promptly, his face showing instant relief, and with both hands grasping that of his visitor, "I am very glad to see you; I am very glad to see you, indeed. I thought you had come to preach to me!"

  His Ludicrous Simile. — In his eulogy of Chief Justice Chase Senator Evarts told a characteristic anecdote of Mr. Lincoln. It was in reference to the distribution of Government patronage that he said, at the outset of his administration, "I am like a man letting rooms at one end of his house while the other is on fire." And this ludicrous simile is certainly an incomparable description of the system as he found it.

  Lincoln's Compassion. — When a friend of Lincoln's asked him to pardon a technical deserter, condemned to death, the President replied: "Well, I think the boy can do us more good above ground than under ground." . . . In response to a plea for the pardon of another condemned soldier, the President said: "Well, I don't believe it will do that boy any good to shoot him — give me the pen!" . . . He once pardoned twenty-four sentenced deserters at the same time. To a general who declared that such mercy to the few was cruelty to the many, Lincoln answered: "There are already too many weeping widows in this country. For God's sake don't ask me to add to the number, for I won't do it." . . . In similar circumstances he observed that some generals complained that he injured the discipline of the army by granting so many pardons, and he added "It rests me after a hard day's work if I can find some good excuse for saving a man's life."

  An Unfortunate Precedent, — At the famous peace conference on a steamer in Hampton Roads, between President Lincoln and three Confederate commissioners, one of the latter insisted upon the recognition of the power of Jefferson Davis to make a treaty as an indispensable condition of peace. As a precedent, he cited the correspondence between Charles I and his Parliament. Mr. Lincoln, with an expression of grim humor, replied: "Upon questions of history I must refer you to Mr. Seward, for he is posted in such things, and I don't pretend to be bright. My only distinct recollection of the matter is that Charles lost his head."

  Lincoln's Autobiography. — Abraham Lincoln's only autobiography was written in 1848 at the request of Charles Lanman, who was then making up his "Dictionary of Congress," and had asked Mr. Lincoln for a sketch of his life. The following is Abraham Lincoln's written reply: "Born February 12, 1809, in Hardin County, Kentucky. Education, defective. Profession, lawyer. Have been a captain of volunteers in the Black Hawk War. Postmaster at a very small office. Four times a member of the Illinois legislature. And was a member of the lower House of Congress. Yours, etc., A. Lincoln."

  Fixed the Blame. — After Lee had taken Harper's Ferry, the President, realizing how great a calamity it was to the Northern arms, determined, if possible, to fix the responsibility. Halleck was summoned, but did not know where the blame lay. "Very well," said Lincoln, "I'll ask General Schenck." The latter could throw no light upon the question further than to say he was not to blame. Milroy was the next to be called to the presence of the commander-in-chief, and to enter a plea of "not guilty." Hooker was next given a hearing, and "Fighting Joe" made an emphatic disclaimer of all responsibility. Then the President assembled the four in his room, and said: "Gentlemen, Harper's Ferry was surrendered, and none of you, it seems, is responsible. I am very anxious to discover who is." After striding across the room several times, the President suddenly threw up his bowed head and exclaimed, "I have it! I know who is responsible." "Who, Mr. President; who is it?" anxiously inquired the distinguished quartet. "Gentlemen," said the President, "General Lee is the man."

  Crossing a River. — Dr. Bellows of New York gave an account of an interview with President Lincoln in which he unsuccessfully endeavored to obtain his views. The doctor asked what should be done with the slaves which were captured as the army advanced. The President hesitated a little, and then, according to his custom, related a story. He said that a company of clergymen, being once at a conference, suddenly learned that a bridge by which most of them had expected to return home had been carried away by a freshet. They stopped talking on religious topics, and began to debate how they could cross the swollen river. One old-fashioned minister, however, kept silence throughout the discussion, and after wasting hours in useless dispute, the others asked him why he did not give his opinion. "My brethren," said he, "I have lived a great many years, and I never yet have been able to tell how I should cross a river until I came to it."

  Whose, Then? — An Englishman, in conversation with Mr. Lincoln, said, "Why, no gentleman in England blacks his own boots, you know." "Pshaw!" replied Lincoln, "whose boots do they black?"